I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
