Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
