He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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