i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
