Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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