she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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