I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
