The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
