I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
