we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
