So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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