That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
