census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
