SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
