I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
