Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
