You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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