need another drink. this is the easiest way
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
