Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
