I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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