I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
