now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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