he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
