Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
