I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
