My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
