this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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