Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
