I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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