I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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