I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Let's paint friendship bongs
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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