i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
