theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Buhtt sex?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
