i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
