Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
