Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
