If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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