You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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