are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
