I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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