I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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