Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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