Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
