glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
