Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
