shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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