Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i think i just lost a toe
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
