Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
