So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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