This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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